I DID IT!!!

I DID IT!!!!

30 days. It wasn't all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. But it was awesome.

Today was full of signs mistaken for wonders.

Three adorable deer frolicking on the side of the road. Playing tag! White tails a'bobbing! The cutest thing ever.

A hawk guarding his nest on top of a water tower. To scare me away (after I started staring up at him), he stood on the railing with his wings spread wide, casting a huge shadow, every feather delineated, on the side of the water tower. He stood there like that for five minutes, maybe longer, because I drove away once I feasted my eyes long enough. When I returned from dropping off my dry-cleaning, he was swooping through the air.

And finally, as I was taking a walk, I saw a little turtle crossing the road. I wish I'd had my camera. I saved him from the cars, deposited him by the side of the road, and hung around to make sure he got to where he needed to go. He had the grumpiest little face and the hoariest fingernails.

Now, onto the yoga.

I can't say tonight led to any breakthroughs. The mind was busy. But I babied my injury and that was good--it didn't hurt the whole time as it has lately.

And I didn't have to sit out any postures! Wha' what?! After yesterday, I didn't think that was gonna happen.

So tomorrow--will I go?

I leave it in the hands of the universe!

And I'll write more about the overall experience tomorrow. Tonight, I am celebrating with a beer.

Day 29: Uff Dah!

Oh, man. Day 29 was not the prelude to a triumph I'd been imagining.

It was, in a word, brutal.

I sat out the first pose of every posture from Camel on, barely able to control my breath in Savasana. So many people. So much fetid air!

And what I now believe is a pulled muscle in my thigh--it just got worse. It hurt in almost every posture, whether I was using it or stretching it.

And so.... tonight, sweaty yoga almost killed me, perhaps for the first time this challenge. But as we know, the hard classes are good for us. It means we are at our edge.

Right?

Here's hoping for a killer 30th--whatever form "killer" decides to take tonight is up to the universe. (And me.)

BTW, the link below is not what I was going for--there's a Pixies song where "Uff dah" is part of the chorus, and I mistakenly remembered it as "Broken Face." But this clip is pretty rad and they sound GREAT, so I inlcuded it anyway. Wouldn't want to forget it exists!

Day 28: No Pain, No Gain

Not much to say about today. It was hard. And taught by the impossibly toned and lissome, lovely woman who actually appears on the poster for the studio. Can you say "intimidated," boys and girls? I could, and did.

It was a fun class. Good attitudes in abundance. Pain in my right quad that I forgot to mention yesterday, possibly because I hoped it would subside. It did not.

And a wonderful, memorable quote that got me through Half-Lotus and all the subsequent postures with something like a smile--definitely not a grimace, at least:
 

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice."

I thought that was really inspiring. So I wanted to preserve it here.

Day 27: Agonists and Antagonists

On Day 27, I had the wonderful gift of a nearly empty class with Anthony at Bikram Yoga Downtown NYC. Five dedicated women who showed up despite the gorgeous weather and one amazing teacher whose gift seems to be helping people find their edge. It was a lot of fun.

I tried to do the mantra thing again with slightly less success. I think this might have been for a couple of different reasons. One was, my thoughts were not as unfocused and didn't seem to need the corralling all that much today. It's also harder to tune out Anthony's dialogue because often you realize he's actually talking directly to you even if he doesn't say your name. Finally, I was paying more attention this time around to agonist/antagonist muscle groups and how contracting an agonist affected the antagonist. Because I couldn't really keep all the muscle groups straight, I focused on the hamstrings and quadriceps, because the direct correlation there is fairly straightforward and easy to observe.

It wasn't all that surprising to discover that contracting my quadriceps in Pada-Hasthasana (Standing Head to Feet Pose) caused my hamstrings to stretch further, and not in a way where it felt like I was pushing myself... It was also easier to locate the weight in the balls of the feet when the thigh was contracted. But it was really cool to observe what happened when I focused on contracting the quadriceps in Standing Head to Knee (Dandayamana Janushirasana).

I always thought I was contracting the quadriceps on the standing leg in this posture. It turns out, though, that I was focusing more on pushing my knee BACK than I was on pulling it UP by contracting the quadriceps muscle. Focusing on this contraction actually made it much easier to distribute the weight in the front of my foot, which I often have trouble doing. This also had the added benefit of making the stretch in the hamstring simultaneously deeper and less intense-feeling.

The real revelation, though, was what happened when I focused on contracting the quadriceps in the kicking leg! Again, I had always believed I WAS contracting the quadriceps, but in reality, I was focusing more on stretching the hamstring, which really adversely affected my balance as well as my ability to hold the foot without the grip slipping. Focusing on contracting the quadriceps reduced the struggle in the act of holding the leg aloft, deepened the stretch in the hamstring, and drew my hip slightly in and down, resulting in a more comfortable, stable pose that allowed for more maneuverability toward the full expression of the posture.

So all in all, another excellent and educational class!

Days 25 & 26: Baby, I'm Tuned to Your Wavelength

Transmittor, I'm picking up something good...

At the end of Friday's post, I mentioned being apprehensive about Friday's class (Day 25). The twofer on Thursday had left me a little weak and sore, and I had a feeling that the 7 PM class in Plainsboro was going to feature a tough teacher I'd not had in awhile...

Sure enough, she was there. Tough as nails, super-intense, and amazingly knowledgeable about everything. Not afraid to hold the poses way longer than seems humane. And not afraid to adjust you, not afraid in the least to point out every little thing that's not quite right in a pose.

And you know what?! It was amazing. Hard, yes, and I was suffering--had to sit out one set of Half Lotus and possibly more, I can't remember now (and that, ladies and gentlemen, is a very good sign). But amazing. I tried to practice appreciation, and amazingly, despite the heat and sweat and discomfort, I found myself grateful for the guidance, for the attention, for the knowledge, for the encouragement and dedication that these all implied. I found myself quite grateful for the practice itself, and for the body that allowed me to participate in it.

Speaking of that body, the instructor pointed out, during Rabbit, that while I was able to stretch down in the lumbar region of my spine, the thoracic vertebrae were not being activated in the same way--she could see knobs where the vertebrae were stretching, but white spots where they were stuck. Interestingly, I've been noticing a "stuck" feeling in that area whenever I did backbends in class--which is often. This revelation comes back into the story later, on Day 26.

Anyway, the dominant lesson of Day 25 was that appreciation is much more fun to practice than irritation (that someone was pointing out problems with certain postures) or frustration (that after all these years and all these classes, you still can't do certain postures).

Another interesting thing that I learned on Day 25 was that sometimes, being able to tune out the dialogue is a good thing. The instructor didn't speak for the second set of Standing Bow, and no one in the entire class fell out (possibly because they weren't making adjustments...). She said, "I find it so interesting that when I shut up, you all do better." Of course, that's not true for all postures--I think she knew that we were a fairly experienced class and that's one posture that rewards sustained concentration. Sometimes the dialogues--and the adjustments they encourage--can interfere with that intense focus.

I don 't think "ignoring" the dialogue is a good idea, of course, but I've reached a point in my practice where I may need to selectively tune it out so that I can "feel," vs. push, myself into deeper expression of the postures. As a "good" student and an obedient sort of person, I tend to attend so carefully to the letter of the dialogue that I actually don't listen to my body.

So on Day 26, I decided I was going to focus on a mantra as I went into each posture, something to repeat with each inhale and exhale. For some, the inhale and exhale had different mantras associated with them: "You are love (inhale), you are light (exhale)." Sometimes the mantra was the same for both phases of the breath.

I tried to let the postures suggest the mantra--"You are strong" for Awkward and Standing Head-to-Knee, "You are flow" for Eagle. And sometimes I just couldn't sustain the mantras--which helped me figure out which postures I struggle to breathe in (Triangle, of course!). But for the most part, this helped the postures feel more natural and sustainable--and weirdly, shorter.

And towards the end, something even more interesting started to happen. During one of the Heart-Openers--maybe it was Camel but I think it was earlier--I started thinking, "You are receptive." And something clicked. My body started feeling its way into postures sort of differently, in ways that were more comfortable. And after Camel I had an epiphany related to receptiveness--"You are not as receptive as you could be to the love that people want to give you. And you are not receptive to this love because you do not love yourself."

It was a realization that came with a calmness and a certainty, a still voice from within. A first step along the road to receptiveness that leads to realization.

Days 23 & 24: The Terrible Twofer!!!!

Well, I did my twofer to make up for the missing class on Wednesday.

And I got super lucky. The first class was sparsely attended--about six people--and the temperature was comparatively low (which didn't stop me from sweating like a beast!), and the second one wasn't much more crowded... though it was hotter. And harder!

The first thing that caught me by surprise in this twofer was how different it was from the last one I did. Maybe it had something to do with where this one fell in the sequence--toward the end as opposed to at the beginning and in the middle--but instead of feeling more rubbery, if exhausted, in the second, I felt weak and a little bit crabby.

The first class was wondrous. I marvelled at how calm my mind was, especially when compared to my classes (and posts) early on, where my mind was chaotic, paying attention to this or that around me or within me CONSTANTLY, until or unless I was completely overwhelmed by the heat. Every pose and savasana felt luxurious, and I felt like a particularly contented cat.

The second class, I started to feel that twinge in my back again, right above my tailbone on the left side. My thighs felt like jelly. I was shaking. And my mind kept traveling over to the girl next to me. She was new to the series and I kept getting annoyed when she'd try things that I, in my infinite wisdom, thought she shouldn't be doing--like kicking out in Standing-Head-to-Knee and going into Toe Stand--two things that I happen to struggle with, not coincidentally.

After class, of course, she came up and spoke to me, and thanked me for being someone she could look at while she was figuring out how to do the poses. And of course she was the sweetest person ever and now whenever I need to smile at someone in class, she'll be someone I can turn to.

But it's funny that THAT's always where my mind goes. It's that critical voice again, and though it seems aimed at someone else, it's really just a form of masked self-criticism--the silly, petulant self-beratement--"She's brand new and she can do this--you've been doing this for God knows how many years and still can't." Such a waste of energy. And yet.

The self-critical demon is my primary demon. And it motivates a lot of the behaviors that create unhappiness or bad feelings in my world. Disengaging the self-critical demon is what my practice seems devoted to--when I am having a joyful practice it is all about celebration, and I don't see what I can't do, or what I can, or whether my stomach is hanging out or whether I'm crazy to wear so little clothes when women with much more beautiful bodies have the decency to cover themselves up, etc. All I see is a joyful expression of health and plenitude, of gratitude for this body and this life, for this practice and this community (or these communities) and this PEACE which it can bring me when I'm in the right frame of mind.

Wow. That's a lot more than I thought I had to say today. Funny how that happens sometimes.

Now I'm off to day 25. It's a late class for a Friday and I'm scared it's gonna be hot and I'm still going to be weak from yesterday and I'm going to struggle. But a wise woman once told me (as a wise woman once told her) that fear is like praying for what you don't want to happen. So instead--I'm going to think I'm going to have an amazing class. And then I'm going to get home and see my husband and have an amazing time with that, too! A good weekend lies ahead.

Day 22: The Cracks Are Beginning to Show

Well, I completely dropped the ball on being the early bird. Like the worm, I slept late, which means I hit up the Hot 26 at Riverflow after playing three games of flag football at work. This morning, I could not even put my socks on, I was so sore. Maybe going to hot yoga after an hour and a half of running around, diving and falling down staved off the worst of the soreness. Yes. That is what I will believe.

Luckily, though the room was very hot last night, I quite accidentally ended up in the coldest spot in the room. Yes, the universe is indeed taking care of me.

But the universe has a rather wicked sense of humor, because it decided it would be funny for me to wear my yoga shorts crotch-side-out. Very sexy.

And then I went home and slept for nine straight hours. Did not wake up once until my alarm clock went off. It was amazing—that hasn’t happened in years.

That’s the one thing that I’ve actually been concerned about during this whole process. As I near the end, I’m so tired that sometimes at work, I’m basically catatonic. I haven’t experimented enough with getting a full eight hours of sleep nightly, which I imagine would help but which I can never manage to give myself unless I am slap-ass exhausted. Yesterday I had to slip into the “sick room” and ball up on the little couch and sleep for almost an hour because I couldn’t keep my eyes open in front of my computer.

It may be the new medication I’m on. It may be too little sleep and too much exertion. It may be a little of both, combined with the basic necessity to adjust your number of hours of sleep to accord with your level of physical activity—the body needs the time asleep to heal. And yet Bikram says that the body operating at optimal capacity needs very little sleep indeed—he himself does not sleep much.

I guess the moral of this story is that I am not Bikram. And, while my body is surely operating better than it was, it is far from “optimal,” that’s for sure. Caffeine and craft beers—my two vices—are always gonna be gumming up the works!
 
Still, I said this before and I’ll keep saying it—it would likely be wise to start researching diet and supplements. I keep craving fish and more fish (and bananas, though not at the same time) for whatever reason, and I think it’s wise to listen to your body at times like this (unless suddenly you have pica and are eating lead paint and clay), but I wonder if I might have an iron deficiency…

Tonight I’ll have something deliciously red-meaty when I go to eat with Pat and Leslie and see how that treats me.

Day 23 was supposed to take place this morning, but I couldn’t drag my ass out of bed. My body could not have done a 6 AM and still had any resources left to get through the day. Thanks to preexisting plans, this means I’ll have to do a two-fer, maybe tomorrow… I know Rhonda says we’re not supposed to, but it’s been permitted in every other challenge I’ve ever participated in, and I’m giving myself permission today.

Part of teacher training is realizing that how you do one thing is how you do everything—it’s not good that I fell down on the job today in terms of getting to yoga. But the only way to do it would be to cancel plans that have been rescheduled too many times already or to leave work for 2.5 hours in the middle of the day… which would feel pretty dishonest. I don't doubt my commitment to this challenge in the least.

If the universe means for me to go to yoga today, I’ll end up going… and if not, then the universe apparently wants me to have the experience, at least once this challenge, of doing a twofer! (Twofers, btw, can be transcendental because you are so.very.tired).

Keep me posted, universe.