It's already Day Nine of the challenge and it's coming at an important time. This last year was absolutely awful, earth- and identity-shattering. Part of why I jumped on the chance to do this teacher training was that I knew I was in a time of great flux, and somehow knew, too, that this would be an inevitable, crucial step in bringing about the next stage of my life--or in learning enough about myself to be able to do so.
What can I say about today except that I was reminded, yet again, of how important it is to unplug the critical mind. When it's not berating me, it's lashing out negatively at something in my surroundings, constantly judging, judging, judging. For the first seven days of the challenge, I was too tired to be critical--not of myself, and certainly not of others. But then yesterday, in Manhattan, there was the girl who hurt my feelings when she thought I was crowding her and huffily moved her mat with an exaggerated sigh. I was so hurt that I got pissed and burned through triangle and standing separate leg stretching like a little martinet, petulant and radiating bad energy. I didn't calm down until we got on the floor. (The weird thing is I felt so strong in those poses... hmmm. A question for another day.)
And then today, in Plainsboro, the lack of order drove me mad. Class starting ten minutes late. People talking in the room before class. People walking in late right in the middle of a pose. People leaving the room during a balancing pose. Suffocating food and perfume odors. Until I got so exhausted by the poses that I couldn't really think anymore, I couldn't stop myself from being critical of people for not observing proper yoga etiquette, and even of the instructor (whom I love) for not explaining it.
I guess the good thing is, there was a time when that mean little judge inside me got too tired or too absorbed in the poses to pay attention to what was going on around me anymore. And it would be nice to get into this state a little sooner. Maybe this is one of the hidden benefits of doing this 30-Day Challenge at multiple studios. Rhonda runs a very tight ship, and her students know it. Because I feel strongly that yoga is a discipline and I should approach it as such, I appreciate teachers who enforce at least the rudiments of yoga etiquette. It's a good exercise for me to have to roll with the punches in environments where those rules are considered to be more... flexible. Maybe it will help me to be more flexible (on the inside!), too.
In Pittsburgh during my first 30-Day Challenge, I had a few realizations related to this same subject. I learned that it was better for me to come to class just before it started and let the chips (or mats!) fall where they may--it kept me from being unreasonably bitter when someone showed up at the last minute and put their mat right in front of mine and it helped me to understand that it doesn't matter what spot you're in as long as you've made it into the room. I learned that I had to surrender my expectations, because they tended to actually close off possibilities. And I learned that it was next to impossible to be annoyed with one of your fellow yoginis if you have had even one brief conversation with them. Hopefully I can reabsorb the lessons from those previous epiphanies as I go through this process. (No fair, though--I thought epiphanies were supposed to be, like, permanent!).
No comments:
Post a Comment